The Crafty Two

 According to the pub’s website its USP (as they say on The Apprentice) is its versatility. They claim that it is both shabby and chic, rustic and stylish and cosy and cool. For anyone that remembers this pub in its previous incarnation The Tavern in the Town this is quite a contrast as that was simply just shabby !!

The pub’s name is a clever one, the Crafty part comes from the fact that it prides itself on its selection of craft beers. Whilst the Two is a subtle nod to Butch and Sundance the two Tamworth pigs that famously saved their own bacon in the late 1990’s by making a bolt for freedom from an abattoir and going AWOL for a week. Any talk of me filling this post full of corny pig puns is absolute hogwash !! 

My description of the pub is rustic…

…there’s bare brick aplenty, a lot of it is as wooden as an episode of Crossroads (one for the older readers) and there is even an ‘urban garden’ whatever that is !!

The pub is light and airy with large windows, to take full advantage of this I recommend you sit on the side of the pub that is on Church St this gives you a view of the magnificent historic Assembly Rooms. A seat with windows overlooking Corporation St offers nothing quite so spectacular namely a carpet shop, a kid’s clothing shop and Papa G’s pizzas as well as the fairly uninspiring Lighthouse

Sadly there is no cask beer so, during my most recent visit, I handed over my £4.20 to the tattooed barmaid (not quite a female version of Post Malone but getting there..I’m told it’s fashionable!!) while she in turn handed me over a pint of Amstel instructing me to ‘Enjoy’, I knew in my heart of hearts I probably wouldn’t!!

Granted it was a Wednesday night but the pub had a bit of a Mary Celeste feel about it with just a handful of punters. I found a seat by the enormous tv screen and settled in to watch an episode of Salvage Hunters and the Restorers on Quest. The episode was subtitled so I was hoping for an inadvertent incorrectly spelt word resulting in something rude so I could snigger like the immature schoolboy I undoubtedly am !!..

A couple were sat by me bizarrely indulging in polite conversation rather than having the theory confirmed by the hunters that one person’s junk is another person’s treasure. It soon became apparent that the reason was a pukka one…it was pie night..

When their food arrived I was suitably impressed although my mood rapidly changed. The male of the couple (they were an old school male and female combo) asked Postess for the vinegar, while he was waiting he tucked into a solitary chip with his fingers, nothing wrong with that I hear you say, however he then proceeded to loudly suck every one of his fingers and thumbs!! No, no, no !! I vowed to avoid listening to them as much as I could but soon had a change of policy when the lady started telling a story about how 

her friend had slept with her childhood sweetheart!! 

It was at this point that the music was turned up a notch, maybe like me  Postess didn’t appreciate the poor table manners, that said when the tunes kicked in I was crying out for some loud finger sucking to drown out the dross !! Things got underway with Justin Bieber’s Despacito. While I’m out and about compiling this literary masterpiece I type little reminder notes into my mobile phone, when I typed in Despacito my autocorrect changed it to despairing…I most certainly was !! 

Amazingly it got worse, Breathe by Blu Cantrell was followed by Play Hard by David Guetta. Imagine my relief therefore when Say You’ll be There by The Spice Girls was played to musically save the night, I can barely believe I’m typing this !!

I decided this may not be the place for me.