Ubar

 

After writing up on 30 pubs in Tamworth so far I wouldn’t say there’s a scraping sound coming from the base of the proverbial barrel but I am now visiting pubs I wouldn’t usually frequent, Ubar (which sounds like a mix between an app based taxi service and a cry from the back of the Eric Hollis stand during a Birmingham Bears T20 fixture) is one such venue. 

To get to it you need to go up Middle Entry (stop sniggering children)….

The pub is part of the Colin Grazier hotel. Okay to be serious for a second, Tamworth born Colin Grazier (not to be confused with Colin Brazier who plied his trade at St Andrews in the early 80’s) is a Second World War hero who was posthumously awarded the George Cross for an act of bravery which paved the way for the Enigma code being cracked. Okay, now time for the fun stuff, I promise that won’t happen again !! 

I knew I was going to be in for an amusing night as soon as I walked in, I noticed a group of locals sat at the bar jointly filling in a crossword, almost on cue one excitedly shouted out ‘lactate’ which was presumably the answer to eight across, he then reminisced that it reminded him of a girl he used to date in Sutton Coldfield !! Let the fun begin…

To say like I felt like a kid in a sweet shop when I approached the bar is no exaggeration, just check out the range of confectionery on offer…

Kit-Kats, Dairy Milk’s, Maltesers….I’m sure I heard a local calling me Willy Wonka (at least I thought that’s what he said) as I surveyed the chocolate selection salivating like Homer Simpson passing a Krispy Kreme shop !! Eagle eyed me also noticed Fruit Pastilles, Fruitella and Fruit Salad, being health conscious I sensed an opportunity of coming close to reaching the five a day landmark for the first time in ages !!

The cost of living crisis means we all have to look for bargains so I couldn’t help noticing the following offer on the sign outside the door…

…If Carlsberg did beer offers…how could I possibly turn that down?!! Sadly when it was poured the head was arguably bigger than that of Cristiano Ronaldo but I was too scared to complain plus I didn’t want to upset the locals just in case they needed my help with seventeen down !!

I gazed around and realised that the place is a bit depressing despite the pub’s badge of honour..

….come on would Santa visit a place with a tree that’s this sad?!…

The pool room is that depressing that it’d send Steve Davis snooker loopy…

…and they’d better up their game if they ever want to entice Fat Boy Slim to spin the decks looking at this set up…

Talking of DJ’s it wasn’t long before one of the wordsmiths stood at the bar started questioning the barmaid….’You ain’t got a DJ on tonight have ya’? (I decided against correcting him on the use of a double negative)…’Yes we have the loud one’ she responded, ‘I’ll ******* knock him out’ was his response, hopefully the disc jockey got funked and not thumped at Ubar !! 

A large screen near where I was sat showed photos of memorable nights out from the venue where their proud mantra is shots, sing, dance repeat. At one point I almost exclaimed ‘Who do you think you are’?!!…The Spice Girls certainly don’t look as I remember them…

All of a sudden the loud DJ puncher from Dictionary Corner sprung to life with a quite impressive festive chat up ‘Hey Claire, will you put some Christmas decorations up in my bedroom if I pay you’?!! I’m surprised Claire (who unsurprisingly declined his advances) didn’t kick him in his baubles !!

Undeterred Ubar’s very own lothario suddenly broke into what can only be described as a risqué sea shanty, sadly I can’t remember most of the lyrics apart from the closing line ‘Put it in a box where the missus used to p*ss’ !! Hilarious!! 

The barmaid took a call where a perspective guest was enquiring about accommodation at the hotel, obviously I didn’t hear the enquiry but it wouldn’t need Poirot to solve the mystery given the response was ‘It’s open from 11am to 1am’ !! 

I don’t want you to think badly of the place, the cocktail menu shows a touch of sophistication with a drink named after the former moustachioed opening batsman for Essex and England. Howzat?!!..

Strictly Come Dancing was being shown on one of the pub’s tv’s so I decided it was time for me to Foxtrot Oscar and bring to an end a thoroughly enjoyable pub visit. I never did get to find out whether they finished the crossword!!