The Fazeley Inn

William Shakespeare is credited with first using the expression’ timing is everything’ and based on my recent visit to the Fazeley Inn I think the Bard of Avon makes a valid point. This literary work derives much of its material from pub characters and experiences so my decision to call in on this pub just after midday on a dank Monday just after the clocks went back arguably showed similar wisdom as that displayed by Stuart Sutcliffe when leaving The Beatles just before they got famous !! 

The pub doubles as a hotel (more of that later) and I was taken back by the spook-tacular welcome for guests..

I’m not sure when Halloween suddenly became a thing, when I was younger the most frightening thing was a middle aged Radio 1 DJ !!

Sadly the beer selection was pitiful with no cask ale available however seeing as it was nearly Halloween whilst there wasn’t much beer there were plenty of spirits !! 

The lack of variety was demonstrated by the pub’s four patrons all of whom were stood at the bar..

…bloke with the rucksack was drinking Carling, green hoodie was drinking Carling, Nike tracksuit bottoms was drinking Carling and blue Adidas hoodie was drinking Carling. Sigh. 

You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling was being played on the pub’s sound system and it had never felt so apt to describe the character of the place, the pub felt soulless. Even the sport on the pub’s telly was bleedin’ tennis !! 

I looked round the room for blog inspiration, there was nothing, even the table football machine was a sub standard bit of kit, talk about small, apparently it hadn’t been used since Ronnie Corbett beat Warwick Davis 10 9 in a fiery encounter a few years back !! 

A trip to the beer garden was equally depressing…

..even the parasols were branded with Carling !!

I checked the pub’s Facebook page to see what delights were on the agenda, I was pleasantly surprised. Monday night has got a Happy Hour from 5 to 7 when Fazeley Inn staple Carling is a cost of living crisis pleasing £3.30 a pint. Not only that, it’s eyes down at 7pm for Bingo, I can’t believe that’s still popular in these woke, politically correct times…I can picture the scene, two full figured individuals who identify as female, 22 !! 

Tuesdays and Wednesdays take a macabre turn, it’s Killer Pool on Tuesdays and Killer Darts on Wednesdays, presumably with the pub’s jukebox playing songs by The Killers all night !! 

No Saturday night would be complete without DJ Tonks on the ones and two’s playing ‘classic party hits all night long’. Astonishingly entry is free and there are ‘great drink offers’, presumably there’s money off a pint of Carling !!

Never mind Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, it’s ‘Sunday Funday’ at the Fazeley Inn when Premier League football is shown on all screens (what happens if I want to watch the tennis?!!) and if the team from B6 (who won the vast majority of their trophies in the late 19th century) are victorious then punters are rewarded with a free shot !! If I didn’t already dislike this place I think this was the final straw (an environmentally friendly non plastic one of course !!).

In summary if you are a Villa supporting, Carling drinking executioner then this is the place for you !! 

Oh hang on, I said I’d mention The Fazeley Inn’s role as a hotel particularly as the pub/hotel website makes some impressive claims…’excellent overnight accommodation with modern and tastefully decorated rooms in an excellent location’ !! Wow, it must be good, there’s a double use of the word excellent !! 

Let’s take a look at Trip Advisor and see if patrons agree with the pub’s view of what excellent looks like, Insider Tips is a good place to start,,‘I wouldn’t eat there’ was the first damning verdict, ‘No food as chef unwell’ not sure if this is tip is that useful, it was posted in March 2024 so I’m hoping that he/she/they have recovered by now !! Finally ‘Do resherch on parking as it is on a main street’ yep, that tip can be discarded on the grounds of bad spelling !! 

Maybe the actual reviews will be more complimentary, I have genuinely reviewed the last five (I’ll come back to the most recent) in order, the review titles are as follows ‘Not a place for people who have basic expectations’, ‘Could be better’, ‘Rough estate pub with misleading photos’ and ‘Contestant for worst hotel in Britain’. I’m sure you would agree these aren’t glowing recommendations so what on earth was Simon, the most recent reviewer, thinking, the title of his review was ‘First date night in 10 years’ !! I’m not saying his write up was lengthy but I have honestly read shorter novels, spoiler alert whilst Simon, the old romantic, pushed the boat out on his first date with his significant other for a decade on a deluxe double room with a king bed (grrrrr tiger) I’m not sure Marvin Gaye’s dulcet tones were an accompaniment to date night!! 

Simon had issues with the noise from the DJ (hey Simon, don’t go dissing DJ Tonks)  and the parking, Simon, why oh why did you not do your resherch?!! 

Simon says…..don’t bother !!