The Terrace

 Rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, okay it may be over six months since my last post (in which time I’ve got married and survived a meet up in Brum with fellow pub bloggers) but rest assured my quest of covering all of Tamworth’s pubs for you my loyal readers is paramount in my mind. 

The name of the latest one The Terrace filled me with a bit of trepidation, I could almost smell the stench of stagnant wee wee as I recalled memories of being stood on the terraces of St Andrews back in the early 80’s. However I noticed that this pub, which had been closed for a few years, was reopened. 

The first thing that alerted me to its relaunch was witnessing a beer delivery. I may lose a few of my younger readers (yes I have got a few…I even know that Tik Tok isn’t just the sound a clock makes !!) but the sight of staff replenishing the stock reminded me of something from The Krypton Factor…

…..there were pullies and levers and the appliance of science as well as plenty of Chuckle Brother style instructions….to me, to you etc !! 

Simply trying to obtain access to the place proved to be extremely problematical, the spiral staircase was temporarily closed due to dangers posed by Storm Antoni so I went round to what I believed was the front entrance only see a sign seemingly directing me into the Ankerside indoor shopping centre…

….given as I had no intention of visiting either Poundland, Iceland or Claire’s Accessories I realised that this was a non starter. It was at this point that I noticed a fairly un enticing door…

I quickly concluded entering it would not take me to Narnia but I was intrigued by what was on offer up the stairs….booze, balls and bragging rights, it sounded like a poster advertising the Second City derby !!

The sign of the top of the stairs didn’t inspire me with confidence…

…do rainbow coloured Crocs count as ‘suitable footwear’?!! 

My worst fears about this place were realised when I got upstairs, it was awful….

It was like a down market youth club, I don’t know where to even begin….maybe I should start with the discarded sumo wrestler suits in the corner…

…Laurence Llewelyn Bowen would surely be having nightmares about the tables…

….and had I got contact details for the DIY SOS team I would have immediately got on the phone to Nick and his gang when I saw the state of the ceiling, though undoubtedly it will be claimed that the look is ‘industrial’…

I thought a trip to the bar might redeem things, granted I wasn’t expecting a nice pint of cask but surely the Shipyard was a safe bet…

…..I could not have been more wrong, £4.50 and plastic glass was a fairly inauspicious start but, and I do not say this lightly, it was definitely the worst pint I’ve had all year (I include the Fosters at St Andrews) and arguably in all of the 2020’s !! Remarkably I got about a third of the way down before I decided I could drink no more. Yes I know, a beer crime and you could argue that it was a bad pint, however it was the place that was bad not the pint. 

Maybe one of the variety of games may lift my flagging spirits I thought….

I’m too mature to find any humour in the game Ring Toss, and I can’t help thinking that 4p Beer Pong is what a pint of Shipyard was worth, and three and a half pence of that was for the plastic glass !! I was unsure of the rules of curling but I hope it wasn’t located in the Gent’s facilities because they reminded me of that infamous scene from Trainspotting….

You may be able to tell from the photo that although it was early Saturday evening bar a group of Eastern Europeans playing pool there weren’t many punters in, however numbers swelled by three when a trio of Tamworth’s yoof made an entrance dressed head to toe in what I can only describe as football hooligan attire, Stone Island, Burberry and Aquascutum were brands that your author, the man in grey, the man at C & A recognised. One of them gave me a knowing nod as if to say…Why on earth are you drinking the Shipyard?!!  

Before leaving I decided to have a wander onto the terrace and have myself a Jim Bowen come and have a look at what you could have won type moment as I surveyed the potential of the place…

…with some tender loving care and maybe assistance from a local tree surgeon this could be a great spot to sup a few pints in the open air with a fabulous view of Tamworth castle. What a missed opportunity…funnily enough I’ve often used that line watching Birmingham City’s strike force !!

All that was left for me to do was to say pozegnanie to the blokes playing pool, nod my farewells to the local firm and descend the stairs vowing never to return.