The Lucky Kiss

 Admittedly the title of this high brow piece of literature is Pubs in Tamworth but after The Great British Pub Crawl featured The Lucky Kiss in their recent Tamworth pub crawl I was left with little option than to visit what l believe to be a pool hall. 

I don’t want you to balk at prospect of this venue being the cue fill to this post with a whole host of pool related puns, I will simply cushion the blow by asking you to give me a break and cut me some slack. Okay that’s in off !! 

Signs were promising as I approached, the windows were open and I could hear Happy Hour by The Housemartins playing as I climbed the stairs, to paraphrase the song I was hoping for a coal fire and a female barmaid…

Things however weren’t so good as I went to get myself a drink, there was a throng of people stood at the bar who were as unmovable as the Arsenal back four under George Graham, I therefore had to display fleetfootidness (is that a word?!) not seen since Rudolf Nureyev was plying his trade at The Royal Ballet as I pirouetted myself into a vacant space at the end of the bar. Unsurprisingly the choice of beers was limited to say the least, I opted for a pint of orange dish cloth…

I mentioned in my review of The Old Stone Cross that, so the story goes, Mick Jagger was thrown out of that particular establishment for relieving himself against the bar, had Sir Mick performed a similar act at The Lucky Kiss it would probably be understandable, it looked like a gents public toilet….

It wasn’t long before I sussed out the pub character, a larger than life individual who was holding court next to the bar, he began recounting a story about one of his mates to his expectant companions, sadly I didn’t hear the middle bit but it started ‘he was on the champagne at half eight in the morning’ and the tale ended with ‘he was running round the bar with his pants down’ !! An activity which I believe is not one of those minority sports up for potential inclusion at the next summer Olympics !! Satisfied that he had entertained his playmates who were doting on his every word he celebrated by putting half a dozen Bad Manners songs on the pub jukebox and proceeded to dance round the pub doing his best Buster Bloodvessel impression!! 

I had a ‘should’ve gone to Specsavers’ moment when I noticed the WiFi password displayed by the bar kissthepool2018, I honestly thought it said kiss the poo which sounds like a forfeit on a drinking game during a rugby club tour !! I couldn’t help smiling the next day and recalling my faux pas when I checked my bank statement…

As you would expect in a sports bar there are several tv screens dotted round the place showing the latest sporting events…

…during my visit they were showing the Man City v Chelsea FA Cup semi final, at one point a bloke bumped into the tv screen and Jack Grealish threw himself theatrically to the ground clutching his ankle !!

A Luke Littler look a like approached me with a friendly ‘Ay up buddy’, he had an odd looking alcoholic beverage in his hand that seemed to be having the desired effect, ‘it’s vodka, orange juice and WKD’ he proudly declared before stating ‘it tastes just like pop.’ I decided against reminding him of the please drink responsibly mantra. 

There was seemingly a pool competition going on with the players from both teams wearing team shirts with their names emblazoned on the back, at one point I was stood next to Andy ‘Lightning’ Lewis. It became apparent that the away team were from Wales and once Bad Manners’s version of the Can Can had finished the pub character decided to acquaint himself with one of the Welsh team, I knew what was coming, I counted down from 20….I got to about 5 when it happened, yep the obligatory welcome of a sheep noise !! Mercifully the uneasy atmosphere was interrupted by the sound of the pubs tinny p.a. system…Jason Maynard table twelve !!

Two ladies were perched at the side of the bar knocking back small bottles of Prosecco when suddenly one of them turned on a large fan (by that I mean she switched on a cooling device rather than aroused an overweight supporter of one of the pool teams) I’ve done enough menopausal awareness training at work to recognise that she was ‘having a grannie’. For clarification this is a lady going through ‘the change’ having a hot flush rather than being something Wayne Rooney used to do back in the day !! 

If you’re looking for a la carte dining then The Lucky Kiss probably isn’t the place for you, the choice doesn’t stretch much further than deciding whether your burger is beef, chicken or veggie however I feel I need to address the concerns of my readers with food allergies as the menu contained this bizarre disclaimer ‘If you have an allergy we have all ingredients in a file for you to have a look at’ !! 

The other halves of the Processco ladies arrived and an amusing exchange ensued, Dave (the partner of hot flush woman) was unaware that he was going to Stratford the following day, ‘I’ll tell ya why you don’t know, you were too busy watching the ******* telly when I told ya’ !! If ever there was a need for confirmation that blokes can’t multi task then this was it. 

Country Road Take Me home started playing on the jukebox which I took as my cue (oops I said I’d stop the pool references) to leave though not until I took a peek of how Andy Lighting Lewis was doing in his pool match…

….before I headed to the place I belong I called into The Market Vaults which is virtually next door but my pint wasn’t a relaxing one, I was distracted by the number of apostrophe crimes on the food menu board…

I was that annoyed I was tempted to enquire as to the whereabouts of an ingredients file !!

The Lucky Kiss? I’d give it a miss !!